Stealing Kisses

I have a 13 month little girl, who of course is the cutest baby on the planet.  One of the most frustrating things for me as a daddy who so loves this little girl is that I just want to kiss her little face ten thousand times.  But she rarely if ever kisses me back.  She isn't a cuddler much and so affection from her is rare and greatly treasured.  So whenever I get to hold her and carry her either up or down the stairs or to and from some place, I use the opportunity to steal a few kisses.  I'm her daddy, after all.  She tolerates it enough, and occasionally I get one back!

In all honesty there's something else to this: I know she needs it.  This little girl needs to know that I love her, she is precious to me, and that she is safe with me.  She doesn't even know how much she needs that assurance, because I am glad to say she has never gone without it.  I have been around those who haven't had the affection of a father or mother.  I have been to foreign places where affection is so rare that children who don't even know you climb in your lap, and put their heads on your shoulders craving to know they are significant in the eyes of someone.  They need this.

And we need it too, most especially from God, the source of the perfect love, the perfect reassurance, the perfect acceptance.  And I realize that all my life God has been chasing me, time after time, stealing kisses...  A sunset that caught my heart.  A bright starry sky in Colorado.  A friend who comes up beside me and prays for me.  My wife, when she looks at me and tells me she believes in me.  A church service where God speaks straight to me and comforts my fears.  All love comes from God, because he invented it.  God wants to love me.

Isaiah 30:15 says, "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.'"

Do we realize that in the loving arms of God is the strength to live?  Do we realize that in rest and quietness with him we find the love and acceptance that heals the wounds of the world and give us an renewed courage and faith that we can make it?  So often though, we will "have none of it."  We push the snooze, jump frantically into the shower and rush off.  Our prayers are quick, desperate, and over meals if at all.  The Bible is dusty and rarely opened except maybe at church.

So God resorts to stealing kisses, loving us anyway, but grieving that we don't realize what we could have... if we loved him back.

New update on Beth Evans...

Here is the latest from Matt and Beth Evans...


We just spoke with Dr. Boulad today ... another good report.  They continue to wean her off the IV meds and replace them with pills. She should be completely off morphine early tomorrow (they have to wean you off morphine b/c of its addictive effects).
They give you a special drug to stimulate your white blood count. Beth is no longer taking that so her counts are leveling off.
Her new marrow is now making red blood cells and platelets. She is still getting an occasional platelet transfusion during this transition as the new blood cells keep up and then build up.  She has not had a red cell transfusion in quite some time.

So ... counts are looking good and getting better, organs look good, pain is under control and almost gone, and all IV meds are being either eliminated or replaced by pills.
The dangers remain infections and Graft Versus Host Disease but the doctors are very vigilant and proactive in prevention.
As of now, Beth should be released from the hospital sometime late tomorrow (Tuesday).
She will then be in outpatient status for quite some time (and would be readmitted in the event of a fever, signs of infection, or any sign of Graft versus Host Disease).

Feel free to share this and please keep praying for Beth to regain strength, for her counts to continue to strengthen, and for protection against infection & Graft vs. Host Disease.

Thanks so much!!
Matt

Another awesome Beth Evans Update!

BETH UPDATE!!!

Today Beth actually had a "neutrophil" count of 1.0.

A neutrophil is the specific type of white cell the doctors look for to determine in engraftment of the new marrow is occurring.

A neutrophil count >0.5 for 3 consecutive days equals engraftment.

So if Beth keeps this count for 2 more days, the bone marrow will have officially and medically and prayerfully ENGRAFTED!!

The chemo side effects are getting a little worse (mouth & throat sores; can't eat; upset stomach at times) but as Beth gains white cells they will start helping all this stuff heal up so it is just part of this long fight.

Thanks for the love, prayers, and support!

matt

LATEST BETH EVANS UPDATE!

Here is the latest from Matt:

Today the doctors came in and shocked us with the news that Beth has a white blood cell count as of today, DAY 7 after transplant.

This is significant for a couple of reasons:

1) This means the stem cells are actually now producing cells. Medically, this is good news that has arrived a few days early!!

2) Today is Barry Patterson's birthday. Barry died of Fanconi related bone marrow failure and is Beth's brother. We PRAYED for something to occur on THIS SPECIFIC DAY ... and God answered!!

However, this does NOT mean engraftment has occurred. The doctors define engraftment as 3 consecutive days of a neutrophil count (a neutrophil is a specific type of white blood cell) above 0.5. So please continue to pray for engraftment.

Thanks so much for your prayers!!

Matt

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST FROM MATT & BETH EVANS:

"Last night Beth's oxygen levels dropped and she had to be put on an oxygen mask to get her levels back up. They moved her into a "step up" unit for closer observation. We spoke with Dr. Boulad this morning and asked lots of questions. He informed us that this puts us at a more serious level right now. 

The cause of this is 1 of 3 things:

1) Infection (they are giving her everything under the sun to prevent/cure infections)

2) Fluid on the lungs (they are giving her stuff to rid her body of fluids)

3) Toxicity from chemo/radiation

We just need lots of prayer right now for this lung & oxygen issue to be cured and cleared.

 We still are moving to transplant sometime later today.

Matt

Go away from me, Lord!

Luke 5:4-11 (New International Version)


4 When [Jesus] had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”  5 Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”  6 When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.  8 When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” 9 For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, 10 and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners.  Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will catch men.” 11 So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.


Going along with Jesus always results in one thing for me, a realization that I am in WAAAAAY over my head.  It just feels like life is too big for me, requires too much from me, and there is so much going on around me that I couldn’t for a moment manage or control.  It feels more like being on a roller coaster, holding on for dear life, but while I’m riding hills and going through loops I’m trying to do my little tasks and in the midst of massive movement. 


“Go away from me, Lord!”  Peter realized that Jesus was drawing near to him.  Peter could tell that being around Jesus would put him in over his head.  And that always scares us, because we realize we will never be able to manage the scope or magnitude of what God is calling us to join Him in.  We are confronted with us, compared to Him.  And it’s too much.


“Do not be afraid.”  The cure for our fear is HIS LOVE.  He loves me, and will never leave me.  He will teach me, and He will equip and guide me.  Each time Jesus fed the masses of thousands of people, He started with someone bringing him a few fish and a few loaves of bread.  And that is all He is asking of us.  Bring him our little lives, our little selves, and watch him work.  Bring him your little talents and skills, your few moments and your prayers, AND WATCH HIM SHAKE YOUR WORLD!  He LOVES US!  


Let our faith rise up in the love of our God.  Ride the roller coaster!  Don’t ask to get off.  Ride it, knowing that it is under control - HIS.  And know that every act of faith and obedience to Him is magnified.  He is what we need.  


Don’t be afraid.  From now on, we will catch men!

Loneliness isn't for you...

I was single until age 34, which of course is a bit out of the norm, so I had a lot of loneliness to deal with through those years.  It is a painful and scary place to be, and I found myself sometimes doing the “what if I die an old man in an apartment somewhere and nobody even knows I’m gone” thing.  I remember occasional panic attacks on a Friday or Saturday night if I couldn’t find someone to hang out with, because it just made me feel so isolated.  Loneliness is a real feeling, but I find it’s greatest power is in the FEAR of “will this ever end?”

I remember a specific season when all my roommates left and since I owned a big house, I was there alone.  I had never lived alone, and begged God not to force me to live alone.  At the same time, most of my friends were out of the picture for various reasons (dating, out of state, etc.), and so I had a lot of weekends and nights to myself.  I was heavily involved at church, so I wasn’t without interactions, but the whole thing just felt scary.  And of course the old man in the apartment fear always lingered in the back of my mind.

One day in a prayer time God spoke to my heart.  I suddenly realized that nowhere in scripture is it God’s desire for us to be lonely.  Psalm 68:5-6, and 68:19 say this:

5   A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
6   God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing;  but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.”  
19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

God is with us, so we are never alone!  He is the one who takes up our causes and our pain, and He is the one passionate to see us through!  I felt God speak a truth to my heart that demolished all the fear I had been feeling.  This truth became a foundation for joy and peace in my life:

God ALWAYS wants us in relationships, especially with HIM. 

God will NEVER be working to isolate us or disconnect us long term.  The fear of dying old and alone with no one caring is from Hell.  Now this doesn’t mean my own actions or the actions of others won’t cause damage and destruction, but I learned then the path AWAY from loneliness is a path of pursuing God.

During this time I learned some key principles for handling loneliness that I have never forgotten.

God’s presence is real.  If I will seek Him, pray and read the bible, and treat Him like the real presence He says He is, He truly does become a strong tower, a shield, a refuge, etc.  His peace and His joy are beyond compare, and they come only from a relationship with Him!

Stay ENGAGED!  I believe scripture squarely puts some responsibility on us to make an effort in life, but we can be sure if we are trying to have relationships with God and others, He will bless that.  Hebrews 10:25 tells us what God wants:
“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Also, God clearly wants us serving each other and meeting other’s needs.  Galatians 5:13 says:
“You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature ; rather, serve one another in love.”
We are given life to love God and love others.  We need to be active in our pursuit of ministering to others needs.  Which leads me to another point…

Accept whoever God provides!  I will say some of my most meaningful relationships came out of a prayer: “God, this person drives me crazy.  But if you want me to love them, I am willing.”  Many of my best relationships started hard, but became life-long connections.
Keep your eyes open.  God wants us to be willing to engage with people from all walks of life.

Enjoy life!  During this time I came to enjoy the benefits of living by myself.  There are some definite advantages, although I much prefer married life, and even roommates.  But it wasn’t so scary!  I watched movies, cooked out, and bought an XBOX and had a blast.

But I think the most crucial step for me was this one:

Deal with the FEAR.  The only way I was able to enjoy life at all and accept living alone is because God reassured me this was only for a season.  I wasn’t afraid anymore.  I knew His long term will, and I knew He wanted the fear gone, and He wanted me to seek a stronger relationship with Him.  Fear is a crippling condition that we must address, otherwise it will suck the life out of us, no matter what God is trying to do, good or bad.

God took me through this time for six months, where I had more time to myself than ever before.  But I found out that He was there, it was only for a season, and that I could trust my Father.